3. Culver's--You all know or have probably seen this commercial for Culver's with that moron in his car is talking to himself about the "butter burger" and crowning himself a grade A d-bag. The Culver's employee then catches him talking to himself in his car. It is then filled with awkward silence and is flat out not funny. Save your money Culver's and just stick to what you know best...making America fat.
2. Olive Garden--This commercial or variation of commercials is filled with unbearable cheesiness. A group of people are all sitting around their table trying to decide what to order. Something to the effect of..."you go with the blah blah blah I am going with the alfredo." Forced shit eating grins and cheesy humor...makes me feel like I am watching Saved By The Bell re-runs!
1. Toyota--"Saved by Zero" This commercial is just flat out annoying and makes me scramble for my remote to flip the channel before it gets lodged in my brain for hours to come. I tend to feel defeated if I do not change it in time. If I find myself mumbling this song as I get my morning coffee at work accompanied by the fact that I am at work and have 8 hours left sends me into a deep morning depression until lunch time. This commercial is not only on TV...it is on the radio. Cant escape it!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Just When You Thought You Have Seen It All...
So I have been delaying getting groceries recently because I cant stand going to get them. Crowded, shopping carts, annoying people in my way and over priced food, not to mention carrying all my bags back up to my apartment.
Well today I made the trip to Target to get my food and got my usual stuff that I always get after work. I usually go on the weekend because I don't like doing much after a day of work but today I am glad I went.
It was a normal shopping experience for the most part until the end was near. I finished my shopping and made my way towards the checkout counter and while there I evaluated which one would be the shortest line and the quickest. Of course I picked the wrong one and got behind this overweight African-American lady who was wearing skin tight sweatpants. At first glimpse she looked normal but after closer review I noticed that she had a huge hole in her pants on the inside of her thigh. Were not talking a small hole we are talking like the size of my hand hole, probably bigger. Completely disgusting and at that point I almost asked the lady who was now behind me in line to let me out so I could return all the food I had just picked up because I was convinced I would never be able to eat again.
During that time of glancing back at the lady behind me it was a positive distraction at the time until she started talking to her little baby like a fucking idiot. After awhile another lady had gathered and the topic was how old the kid was, well my daughter is...blah blah blah. I just shook my head in disgust at this fucking idiot talking to her kid like it was a little puppy. You all know what I am talking about. Well I overheard everything you need to know about this baby and about how he was going to get a bath tonight and she wondered what "daddy" was doing. I gathered myself and was able to move past the now idiot behind me and the lady in front of me just finally figured out her check card and how to use the damn thing so it was now my turn. Complete circus...
Finally it was my time at the checkout counter. Things started out normal and nearing the end of my checkout experience I noticed the lady with the baby crowding my shit and her cart was now in front of the place where I had to swipe my credit card. After maneuvering around her cart that she was too busy to move because she was still talking like a fucking idiot to her child who also thinks she is a moron as I am convinced it was that bad. I proceeded to move forward to leave and she jacks the back of my foot with her cart in my heel. At that point I am real pissed and I turn around doing everything in my power to not go off on this fat bitch and I give her the scowl from hell! As I was walking away I heard her whisper to her little kid..."well that guy isn't very nice!" Hahahahaha she was talking about me! Absolutely priceless!!!
Making my way to the exit and shaking my head in disbelief from what had just happened and thinking that nothing would out do this or top this maybe for the rest of the week or maybe even month it happened...I see an African-American female midget with her normal height Caucasian butch-haircut beefy girlfriend!! I shit you not!!!
Of course they were getting into their Ford F-150 pickup. At that point I thought I was dreaming and had to gather myself in my car before I was able to drive and questioned whether what I had just experienced on this grocery shopping trip had really happened or if I was the victim of candid camera.
After realizing that I had not been dreaming and it was indeed reality and no cameras were in sight, I am sure glad I made that trip to Target this Tuesday the 16th of September.
Well today I made the trip to Target to get my food and got my usual stuff that I always get after work. I usually go on the weekend because I don't like doing much after a day of work but today I am glad I went.
It was a normal shopping experience for the most part until the end was near. I finished my shopping and made my way towards the checkout counter and while there I evaluated which one would be the shortest line and the quickest. Of course I picked the wrong one and got behind this overweight African-American lady who was wearing skin tight sweatpants. At first glimpse she looked normal but after closer review I noticed that she had a huge hole in her pants on the inside of her thigh. Were not talking a small hole we are talking like the size of my hand hole, probably bigger. Completely disgusting and at that point I almost asked the lady who was now behind me in line to let me out so I could return all the food I had just picked up because I was convinced I would never be able to eat again.
During that time of glancing back at the lady behind me it was a positive distraction at the time until she started talking to her little baby like a fucking idiot. After awhile another lady had gathered and the topic was how old the kid was, well my daughter is...blah blah blah. I just shook my head in disgust at this fucking idiot talking to her kid like it was a little puppy. You all know what I am talking about. Well I overheard everything you need to know about this baby and about how he was going to get a bath tonight and she wondered what "daddy" was doing. I gathered myself and was able to move past the now idiot behind me and the lady in front of me just finally figured out her check card and how to use the damn thing so it was now my turn. Complete circus...
Finally it was my time at the checkout counter. Things started out normal and nearing the end of my checkout experience I noticed the lady with the baby crowding my shit and her cart was now in front of the place where I had to swipe my credit card. After maneuvering around her cart that she was too busy to move because she was still talking like a fucking idiot to her child who also thinks she is a moron as I am convinced it was that bad. I proceeded to move forward to leave and she jacks the back of my foot with her cart in my heel. At that point I am real pissed and I turn around doing everything in my power to not go off on this fat bitch and I give her the scowl from hell! As I was walking away I heard her whisper to her little kid..."well that guy isn't very nice!" Hahahahaha she was talking about me! Absolutely priceless!!!
Making my way to the exit and shaking my head in disbelief from what had just happened and thinking that nothing would out do this or top this maybe for the rest of the week or maybe even month it happened...I see an African-American female midget with her normal height Caucasian butch-haircut beefy girlfriend!! I shit you not!!!
Of course they were getting into their Ford F-150 pickup. At that point I thought I was dreaming and had to gather myself in my car before I was able to drive and questioned whether what I had just experienced on this grocery shopping trip had really happened or if I was the victim of candid camera.
After realizing that I had not been dreaming and it was indeed reality and no cameras were in sight, I am sure glad I made that trip to Target this Tuesday the 16th of September.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Off With His Head...
Just finished watching the Vikqueens against the Packers on Monday Night Football. Needless to say I am bitter as hell. Once again we live and die with "project quarterback" Tarvaris Jackson. Brad Childress is a horrible coach and could be fired midway this season or at least I think he should be if they start off on the wrong foot (not a good start).
The Queens could be 0-5 realistically to start the season with games against the Colts next week followed by Carolina, at Tennessee and at New Orleans. Very easily could be 0-5 and if things don't change at quarterback consider this season another waste of time, spent money and crushed hopes.
Minnesota hasn't won at Lambeau since god knows when and haven't beaten the Packers under the monotone Childress. This team seems to have no game plans to start out the game and that falls squarely on the head coach getting this team prepared. This coaching staff is not getting the players prepared each game and that is not acceptable for the fans. Coach Childress has not proved anything and I think that if they start out 1-4 or 0-5, Wilf should fire his worthless ass.
The thing that upsets me most is that they have all the players and a team that is loaded with talent. Adrian, Rice, Williams wall, EJ, Sharper, and on and on but it just doesn't matter. I am also listening to fanline right now and some guy just called in and said that he wouldn't start Tarvaris Jackson for the Apple Valley Eagles! That is great!
So it looks like things haven't changed one bit as our defense can stop the run although they gave up 150 or so yards and just cant stop the pass. Our offense can run the ball but when it comes down to it...Jackson is going to choke game in-game out. He is not a starter in this league and Childress is going to go down with his ship and project quarterback who they traded up to draft. He just doesn't have "it" as a quarterback like Matt Ryan does.
Also our defensive line did nothing tonight!!! Jared Allen who??? I think he had one tackle. Rodgers was sacked once and also burned us with his feet. I know its one game but I think Allen is overrated and we probably overpaid for old lasso.
Side Note--commentators for Monday Night Football--Cornheiser, Ron Jaworski and Tirico are terrible. Tirico is good but the others are unbearable to even listen too. Also this game on now with Mike and Mike is even worse! Brutal
Well time to drink some High Life's and go to bed pissed. Thanks Coach Childress you ruined my week.
The Queens could be 0-5 realistically to start the season with games against the Colts next week followed by Carolina, at Tennessee and at New Orleans. Very easily could be 0-5 and if things don't change at quarterback consider this season another waste of time, spent money and crushed hopes.
Minnesota hasn't won at Lambeau since god knows when and haven't beaten the Packers under the monotone Childress. This team seems to have no game plans to start out the game and that falls squarely on the head coach getting this team prepared. This coaching staff is not getting the players prepared each game and that is not acceptable for the fans. Coach Childress has not proved anything and I think that if they start out 1-4 or 0-5, Wilf should fire his worthless ass.
The thing that upsets me most is that they have all the players and a team that is loaded with talent. Adrian, Rice, Williams wall, EJ, Sharper, and on and on but it just doesn't matter. I am also listening to fanline right now and some guy just called in and said that he wouldn't start Tarvaris Jackson for the Apple Valley Eagles! That is great!
So it looks like things haven't changed one bit as our defense can stop the run although they gave up 150 or so yards and just cant stop the pass. Our offense can run the ball but when it comes down to it...Jackson is going to choke game in-game out. He is not a starter in this league and Childress is going to go down with his ship and project quarterback who they traded up to draft. He just doesn't have "it" as a quarterback like Matt Ryan does.
Also our defensive line did nothing tonight!!! Jared Allen who??? I think he had one tackle. Rodgers was sacked once and also burned us with his feet. I know its one game but I think Allen is overrated and we probably overpaid for old lasso.
Side Note--commentators for Monday Night Football--Cornheiser, Ron Jaworski and Tirico are terrible. Tirico is good but the others are unbearable to even listen too. Also this game on now with Mike and Mike is even worse! Brutal
Well time to drink some High Life's and go to bed pissed. Thanks Coach Childress you ruined my week.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Stop and Chat
Did I ever tell you how much I hate small talk or as Larry David puts it the "stop and chat."
Small talk was at its peak this past weekend over Waterama and I couldn't hate it more. Bumping into people and chatting about complete crap that neither one of us could really careless about. Simply pointless in my book and downright not needed.
With small talk comes uncomfortable laughter and a constant awareness of an escape from the conversation you are currently in...even if that means talking to Hammond over Waterama who is completely obliterated all weekend long. Yeah I might have to put up with some physical abuse from him due to his lack of control of his extremities over the celebratory weekend but hey...got me out of the "stop and chat." Hammond is an absolute weekend warrior over Waterama and it makes me feel old.
I am not sure about what others thought about Waterama but it is getting worse and worse each year. Maybe its the fact that I am getting old and tend to feel really old when going to the bar around home and seeing all the young kids there too. I even had to ask some colleagues if there were "a lot of underage kids at the bar last night," to which was answered, "no they are 21 now."
This just proves how old I am getting.
Also another fact that proves that we are getting too old to enjoy two consecutive nights of boozing is the fact that some of your high school friends don't make it out at all because it was their daughters birthday and by the way the wife has another one in the oven on the way!
So next time avoid the "stop and chat" and save your resume recital for someone who cares. A simple "hey" will do the trick.
p.s. do you smell that??? That thing you are smelling is football season and its back!!! Didn't think I would make it through the sports abyss...
Oh and by the way...summer is over. Tomorrow is August 1st. Deal with it.
Small talk was at its peak this past weekend over Waterama and I couldn't hate it more. Bumping into people and chatting about complete crap that neither one of us could really careless about. Simply pointless in my book and downright not needed.
With small talk comes uncomfortable laughter and a constant awareness of an escape from the conversation you are currently in...even if that means talking to Hammond over Waterama who is completely obliterated all weekend long. Yeah I might have to put up with some physical abuse from him due to his lack of control of his extremities over the celebratory weekend but hey...got me out of the "stop and chat." Hammond is an absolute weekend warrior over Waterama and it makes me feel old.
I am not sure about what others thought about Waterama but it is getting worse and worse each year. Maybe its the fact that I am getting old and tend to feel really old when going to the bar around home and seeing all the young kids there too. I even had to ask some colleagues if there were "a lot of underage kids at the bar last night," to which was answered, "no they are 21 now."
This just proves how old I am getting.
Also another fact that proves that we are getting too old to enjoy two consecutive nights of boozing is the fact that some of your high school friends don't make it out at all because it was their daughters birthday and by the way the wife has another one in the oven on the way!
So next time avoid the "stop and chat" and save your resume recital for someone who cares. A simple "hey" will do the trick.
p.s. do you smell that??? That thing you are smelling is football season and its back!!! Didn't think I would make it through the sports abyss...
Oh and by the way...summer is over. Tomorrow is August 1st. Deal with it.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Right Now: Top 5 Biggest D-bags and Deadbeats in Sports
5. Ahmad Bradshaw, running back New York Giants.
After winning the Superbowl last year with the Giants, this deadbeat completed his off season with a violation of probation stemming from being a delinquent in college by resisting arrest while drinking underage. Sounds like a regular Saturday night in Mankato but while being in the public eye its a much bigger deal. He was later kicked off his college football team at Virginia, sounds like history could be repeating itself here with Bradshaw awaiting a suspension now from the NFL.
4. Jonathon Papelbon & Francisco Rodriguez, closers for the Red Sox and Angels.
Papelbon ran his mouth like usual in complete disrespect of Hall of Fame closer Mariano Rivera. Papelbon out of complete ignorance thinks that he should get to close the All-Star game at Yankee Stadium instead of Mariano Rivera if the situation is presented. Let me repeat that there Papelbon...Hall of Famer in his own stadium which is in its last year of existence. Rivera should get the nod, Papelbon later retracted part of his statement. Imagine that.
On to K-Rod, this guy is real good but needs to take it easy on the celebrations after each save. He completely disrespects the batter with a tirade and ridiculous pointing to the sky. We know you are going for saves immortality but better watch it otherwise some of your players on your own team could be taking a pitch to their head in retaliation. That's baseball, I didn't write the rules!
3. Chris Henry, former wide receiver Cincinatti Bengals.
Another NFL player gets his trial dropped. That's a shock, too bad it was his fifth arrest since joining the team in 2005. Good ridden Chris Henry and have fun in the hood, now your arrests will give you street cred. Deadbeat!
2. Travis Henry, former running back Denver Broncos.
Must run in the Henry name. This freaking loser tested positive again for smoking weed. He now faces a year suspension from the NFL for substance abuse. Not even your own personal drug testing person could save you now. Did I mention he has fathered nine children with nine DIFFERENT women! Oh yeah and not to mention he has significant financial issues because of his excessive spending on expensive jewelry and several Mercedes Benz. You can take a blank out of the hood but you cant take the hood out of the blank. Textbook example of a complete deadbeat that cant even put down the weed smoke in order to make a living. Maaaan...you are one pathetic loser!
And now drum roll please.....
1. Brett Favre, (retired) quarterback Green Bay Packers.
This attention whore is back in the headlines again by coming out of retirement saying he wants to play again. Really Brett??! We are all shocked by your lack of making up your mind. You have put everyone through the meat grinder every year about whether or not you are going to retire. Really who gives a shit anymore? Nice interview with Greta on Fox News, oh and by the way get over yourself. Nice emotional retirement press conference with the tears and sobbing...maybe you should take up Soap Operas! I hear Stefano just died again on "Days of Our Lives."
After winning the Superbowl last year with the Giants, this deadbeat completed his off season with a violation of probation stemming from being a delinquent in college by resisting arrest while drinking underage. Sounds like a regular Saturday night in Mankato but while being in the public eye its a much bigger deal. He was later kicked off his college football team at Virginia, sounds like history could be repeating itself here with Bradshaw awaiting a suspension now from the NFL.
4. Jonathon Papelbon & Francisco Rodriguez, closers for the Red Sox and Angels.
Papelbon ran his mouth like usual in complete disrespect of Hall of Fame closer Mariano Rivera. Papelbon out of complete ignorance thinks that he should get to close the All-Star game at Yankee Stadium instead of Mariano Rivera if the situation is presented. Let me repeat that there Papelbon...Hall of Famer in his own stadium which is in its last year of existence. Rivera should get the nod, Papelbon later retracted part of his statement. Imagine that.
On to K-Rod, this guy is real good but needs to take it easy on the celebrations after each save. He completely disrespects the batter with a tirade and ridiculous pointing to the sky. We know you are going for saves immortality but better watch it otherwise some of your players on your own team could be taking a pitch to their head in retaliation. That's baseball, I didn't write the rules!
3. Chris Henry, former wide receiver Cincinatti Bengals.
Another NFL player gets his trial dropped. That's a shock, too bad it was his fifth arrest since joining the team in 2005. Good ridden Chris Henry and have fun in the hood, now your arrests will give you street cred. Deadbeat!
2. Travis Henry, former running back Denver Broncos.
Must run in the Henry name. This freaking loser tested positive again for smoking weed. He now faces a year suspension from the NFL for substance abuse. Not even your own personal drug testing person could save you now. Did I mention he has fathered nine children with nine DIFFERENT women! Oh yeah and not to mention he has significant financial issues because of his excessive spending on expensive jewelry and several Mercedes Benz. You can take a blank out of the hood but you cant take the hood out of the blank. Textbook example of a complete deadbeat that cant even put down the weed smoke in order to make a living. Maaaan...you are one pathetic loser!
And now drum roll please.....
1. Brett Favre, (retired) quarterback Green Bay Packers.
This attention whore is back in the headlines again by coming out of retirement saying he wants to play again. Really Brett??! We are all shocked by your lack of making up your mind. You have put everyone through the meat grinder every year about whether or not you are going to retire. Really who gives a shit anymore? Nice interview with Greta on Fox News, oh and by the way get over yourself. Nice emotional retirement press conference with the tears and sobbing...maybe you should take up Soap Operas! I hear Stefano just died again on "Days of Our Lives."
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Life and Times of S. Mork
Why are people who wear knee braces and wrist braces always overweight women??
Look at me I have a sore wrist or I have a sore knee....maybe they are just faking because they are lazy and want attention but it still gets me every time. Maybe if you did some activity in your life and your biggest concern wasn't "what should I eat for lunch today??" you wouldn't have to wear these ridiculous attention getter's.
People who wear these "braces" are the type of people that always have something wrong with them. Always whining about something, constantly absent from work...just always something. You know what type of people I am talking about. I saw an individual today wearing the "wrist type" brace and she fit this stereotype to a T. Get a life!
So moving on, I got a canker sore on the side of my tongue and wow it is fun. Makes eating really fun and talking too! FUCK!
Traffic wasn't bad at all today and people must have taken off early for the holiday. I couldn't believe it and how great it felt to not sit in the midst of clusterness. I cant believe what I put up with on a day-to-day basis with driving to work. Surprised I haven't made headline news yet...
How bout them Twins??? Our favorite local nine is hot! Winning 13 of their last 15 games is simply a surprise with this squad. Taming the Tigers from Detroit who were streaking and taking 2 out of 3 and winning the series is nice but should have been a sweep after our bullpen collapsed Monday night but as Meat Loaf said..."2 out of 3 ain't bad!" Bad news is that the White Sox keep winning too...
The month of July will be a telling tale for this squad. With series at Boston, at Detroit, Texas at home, at New York, at Cleveland and finally hosting the White Sox. If we can survive this meat grinder, playoffs might be a possibility.
Getting the hell out of this city this and heading to the lake for the extended 4th of July weekend. Simply cant wait! Lots of beer, pontoon, fishing and grilling is really needed at this point in my life because once I return on Monday the abyss continues with the end of the 2nd quarter which means July overtime and lots of work to do. Get fucked up!
Have a good 4th of July and don't blow your hands off.
Go Twins!
Look at me I have a sore wrist or I have a sore knee....maybe they are just faking because they are lazy and want attention but it still gets me every time. Maybe if you did some activity in your life and your biggest concern wasn't "what should I eat for lunch today??" you wouldn't have to wear these ridiculous attention getter's.
People who wear these "braces" are the type of people that always have something wrong with them. Always whining about something, constantly absent from work...just always something. You know what type of people I am talking about. I saw an individual today wearing the "wrist type" brace and she fit this stereotype to a T. Get a life!
So moving on, I got a canker sore on the side of my tongue and wow it is fun. Makes eating really fun and talking too! FUCK!
Traffic wasn't bad at all today and people must have taken off early for the holiday. I couldn't believe it and how great it felt to not sit in the midst of clusterness. I cant believe what I put up with on a day-to-day basis with driving to work. Surprised I haven't made headline news yet...
How bout them Twins??? Our favorite local nine is hot! Winning 13 of their last 15 games is simply a surprise with this squad. Taming the Tigers from Detroit who were streaking and taking 2 out of 3 and winning the series is nice but should have been a sweep after our bullpen collapsed Monday night but as Meat Loaf said..."2 out of 3 ain't bad!" Bad news is that the White Sox keep winning too...
The month of July will be a telling tale for this squad. With series at Boston, at Detroit, Texas at home, at New York, at Cleveland and finally hosting the White Sox. If we can survive this meat grinder, playoffs might be a possibility.
Getting the hell out of this city this and heading to the lake for the extended 4th of July weekend. Simply cant wait! Lots of beer, pontoon, fishing and grilling is really needed at this point in my life because once I return on Monday the abyss continues with the end of the 2nd quarter which means July overtime and lots of work to do. Get fucked up!
Have a good 4th of July and don't blow your hands off.
Go Twins!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Why does the water in the toilet move around when its windy outside?
So just got back from the bathroom at work and noticed something that I have wondered my entire life...
Why does the water in the toilet bowl move around when its windy outside???
Today might possibly be the windiest day I have experienced in my 26 years of life. It is absolutely brutal and I would rather have it rain and thunderstorm any day of the week. Wind ruins everything. Sure as hell cant golf, cant be outside period. You cant hear anything either and good luck carrying on a conversation. You might as well be a mute in these conditions. Unless you specialize in lip reading.
So why does the water move around in that ivory bowl? Its not subject to open drafts of wind?? I am in a secure building and not in a fish house?? I just don't understand it...last time I checked wind doesn't penetrate steel piping.
The only thing I can think of is that the wind is blowing up through the end or opening of the pipe when Mr. Hanky gets dropped off at the square pond. Although my next question would be how does it affect every toilet??? Must be some wind...maybe my hypothesis is inaccurate or better yet dead wrong but if anyone knows the true reasoning behind this, be sure to let me know. Might be a question only Ryan Robards could answer...
Next time you sit down on the pot and its the Bering Sea below you...you will understand where I am coming from.
On a side note what is the deal with these new movies coming out. Edward Norton as the Incredible Hulk? Will Smith as some superhero called Hancock??? I don't know if any of you have seen the previews for this Hancock movie but you are missing out. At one point it shows Will Smith pick up a huge whale off of the beach, swing it above his head like he was in a rodeo and throw it several "hundreds" of feet out into the ocean and hit a boat. It looked pretty realistic...
Now those are two movies that I would opt for the trigger to be pulled if a gun was to my head.
Why does the water in the toilet bowl move around when its windy outside???
Today might possibly be the windiest day I have experienced in my 26 years of life. It is absolutely brutal and I would rather have it rain and thunderstorm any day of the week. Wind ruins everything. Sure as hell cant golf, cant be outside period. You cant hear anything either and good luck carrying on a conversation. You might as well be a mute in these conditions. Unless you specialize in lip reading.
So why does the water move around in that ivory bowl? Its not subject to open drafts of wind?? I am in a secure building and not in a fish house?? I just don't understand it...last time I checked wind doesn't penetrate steel piping.
The only thing I can think of is that the wind is blowing up through the end or opening of the pipe when Mr. Hanky gets dropped off at the square pond. Although my next question would be how does it affect every toilet??? Must be some wind...maybe my hypothesis is inaccurate or better yet dead wrong but if anyone knows the true reasoning behind this, be sure to let me know. Might be a question only Ryan Robards could answer...
Next time you sit down on the pot and its the Bering Sea below you...you will understand where I am coming from.
On a side note what is the deal with these new movies coming out. Edward Norton as the Incredible Hulk? Will Smith as some superhero called Hancock??? I don't know if any of you have seen the previews for this Hancock movie but you are missing out. At one point it shows Will Smith pick up a huge whale off of the beach, swing it above his head like he was in a rodeo and throw it several "hundreds" of feet out into the ocean and hit a boat. It looked pretty realistic...
Now those are two movies that I would opt for the trigger to be pulled if a gun was to my head.
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